dear diary
today is international womens day
i havent journalled in a while and that makes me sad but theres something difficult about writing these days and i cant put my finger on it
but typing is nice and i like sharing my feelings with the world
i just havent done that in a while either
i just came home from a spontaneous trip to new york that i wont shut up about
i love new york
every time i go i feel extremely inspired and messy and silly and human
so im back and i missed home but driving around the suburbs makes me think of taking the subway
and the man who was walking around in the tracks
i was scared and if i was a big man i might have even tried to pull him out because i was scared for him
he was talking to people on the platform before a subway woman came and said you cant do this sir
they yelled at each other a bit until he climbed out
he left
i continued chatting with my friend
then he comes back, starts walking slowly around the platform until he slowly and cheekily hopped back down onto the tracks
i got on my train but saw a woman reaching into her purse to give him something as i got taken away
my favorite part about new york was chess club
i loved that it existed i love that i knew some of the sweet creative talented people there from a shoot i was part of a few days prior
i love chess and i was scared id be bad at playing people irl but that wasnt the case
i loved that i met people there that i ran into at the art gallery the next day
i loved that people i knew from ottawa were also there which made it feel safe and familiar
i loved that there was music and drinks and artists and that they lured me there by saying hans niemann would be hosting, only to find out it was a joke and a bit
i wanna chess club happen in ottawa
i will
i am pmsing today too
and spent half the day in my bedroom working on commissions and watching the reality show The Perfect Pair
anytime i spend a lot of time by myself in my room i go through every human emotion possible
and i was pmsing, an ode to international womens day
and to the worm moon
and to god
i almost cried so many times in the past two days but still havent, because i thought about things in my life that were sweet or confusing or both
i picked up vaping again in new york (eyeroll)
i dont do it much here but i still have it
in new york it feels like it makes so much sense
here much less
but also when im pmsing i crave it more, same reason why people want sweets when theyre pmsing but i dont crave food except for oysters but those arent accessible so this is my little thing
anyways
a few things im working on:
- responding to ppls texts promptly
- merch
- a table
- a watch
- talking to myself
- tiktoks
- forming a routine
today i also bit the inside of my lip a lot