dear diary, ‣…

dear diary

today is international womens day

i havent journalled in a while and that makes me sad but theres something difficult about writing these days and i cant put my finger on it

but typing is nice and i like sharing my feelings with the world

i just havent done that in a while either

i just came home from a spontaneous trip to new york that i wont shut up about

i love new york

every time i go i feel extremely inspired and messy and silly and human

so im back and i missed home but driving around the suburbs makes me think of taking the subway

and the man who was walking around in the tracks

i was scared and if i was a big man i might have even tried to pull him out because i was scared for him

he was talking to people on the platform before a subway woman came and said you cant do this sir

they yelled at each other a bit until he climbed out

he left

i continued chatting with my friend

then he comes back, starts walking slowly around the platform until he slowly and cheekily hopped back down onto the tracks

i got on my train but saw a woman reaching into her purse to give him something as i got taken away

my favorite part about new york was chess club

i loved that it existed i love that i knew some of the sweet creative talented people there from a shoot i was part of a few days prior

i love chess and i was scared id be bad at playing people irl but that wasnt the case

i loved that i met people there that i ran into at the art gallery the next day

i loved that people i knew from ottawa were also there which made it feel safe and familiar

i loved that there was music and drinks and artists and that they lured me there by saying hans niemann would be hosting, only to find out it was a joke and a bit

i wanna chess club happen in ottawa

i will

i am pmsing today too

and spent half the day in my bedroom working on commissions and watching the reality show The Perfect Pair

anytime i spend a lot of time by myself in my room i go through every human emotion possible

and i was pmsing, an ode to international womens day

and to the worm moon

and to god

i almost cried so many times in the past two days but still havent, because i thought about things in my life that were sweet or confusing or both

i picked up vaping again in new york (eyeroll)

i dont do it much here but i still have it

in new york it feels like it makes so much sense

here much less

but also when im pmsing i crave it more, same reason why people want sweets when theyre pmsing but i dont crave food except for oysters but those arent accessible so this is my little thing

anyways

a few things im working on:

today i also bit the inside of my lip a lot